Who Says Dark Can't Be Funny? 16 Hilarious Quotes from Fantasy Books

Who says dark fantasy is all doom and gloom? Sure, we’re all about the epic battles, fire-breathing dragons, and exhausting quests for stuff that’s probably cursed anyway. But even in the darkest corners of these tales, our favorite authors drop a one-liner that has us snorting into our mead. Think the Malazan Empire’s a laugh-free zone? Guess again. Steven Erikson’s got jokes sharper than a Tiste Andii’s blade. So, if you’re ready for a side of snickers with your shadows, you’re in the right place—and who knows, maybe you’ll find your next favorite read. Just a heads up, though: if you’re looking for Pratchett, that’s a different kind of funny we’re parking for another day. For now, let’s dive into the dark with a smile.

1. “You shouldn’t make vows. The moment you do, fate starts conspiring to shove them down your throat.”
― Michael J. Sullivan, Rise of Empire (The Riyria Revelations series)

Talk about a slap from the universe! In Sullivan’s world of Riyria, promises are like giving fate a dare. And fate, being the sassy force that it is, loves a challenge. Royce and Hadrian might as well walk around with a ‘Kick Me’ sign taped to their backs.

2. “Every ounce of my cynicism is supported by historical precedent.”
― Glen Cook, Shadow Games (The Black Company series)

In Black Company’s universe, history isn’t just written by the winners; it’s ghostwritten by the most backstabbing, double-crossing winner. Croaker’s chronicling might as well be a guidebook titled “Trust No One: A Soldier’s Tale.”

3. “I have learned all kinds of things from my many mistakes. The one thing I never learn is to stop making them.”
― Joe Abercrombie, Last Argument of Kings (The First Law Trilogy)

In Joe Abercrombie’s world, wisdom comes with scars and a few missing teeth. The First Law Trilogy serves up hard knocks with a side of grim humor, because here, characters grow not by becoming better, but by becoming smarter at navigating their flaws.

4. “It was said that the gods favored fools because they were entertaining to watch.”
― N. K. Jemisin, The Killing Moon, (Dreamblood series)

If Jemisin’s gods had popcorn, they’d be all set for the divine comedy show down in Gujaareh. Between the city’s peace-loving priests and dream-gathering magic, the Dreamblood series serves up the kind of mess that makes celestial beings cancel their cable.

5. “When you don’t know everything that you could know, it’s a fine time to shut your f*****g noisemaker and be polite.”
― Scott Lynch, The Lies of Locke Lamora (Gentleman Bastard series)

If Lynch’s Gentleman Bastard series was a masterclass, this would be lesson one: The art of knowing when to zip it. Locke Lamora’s world is unforgiving, and sometimes, your best bet is to play the quiet game—especially when you’re as neck-deep in schemes as he is.

6. “The louder a man tells you he’s honest, the harder you must hold on to your purse.”
― Robert Jordan, The Fires of Heaven (The Wheel of Time series)

Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time turns, and with it, the tides of trust. It’s like a bazaar in the middle of a war—everyone’s selling honesty, but the price is steep, and the goods are dubious. Maybe stick to window shopping, yeah?

7. “Where I’m from, we believe in all sorts of things that aren’t true. We call it history.”
― Gregory Maguire, Wicked (The Wicked Years series)

Wicked turns Oz on its head, and Gregory Maguire winks at us, reminding us that history is often just the victor’s best spin on a bad situation. Plus, flying monkeys. Revisionist history at its finest.

8. “You squint hard enough, and everything starts to look suspicious.”
― Brian Staveley, The Emperor’s Blades (Chronicle of the Unhewn Throne series)

In The Chronicle of the Unhewn Throne, seeing is not believing; it’s suspecting. It’s like everyone’s wearing “guilty” glasses, and the prescription is strong. Paranoia? More like a basic survival instinct in Staveley’s empire.

9. “Only a fool would choose to justify himself by likening his actions to those of a bigger fool.”
― David B. Coe, The Horsemen’s Gambit (Blood of the Southlands series)

David B. Coe’s wisdom here is like a mirror reflecting a mirror—foolception. The Blood of the Southlands series knows that when it comes to foolishness, there’s always a bigger fish… or jester’s hat.

10. “Can’t trust no one else to do what you won’t do for yourself.”
― Peter V. Brett, Desert Spear (The Demon Cycle series)

Brett’s The Demon Cycle might as well be a self-help book with teeth… and claws… and night terrors. Self-reliance isn’t just a virtue; it’s the difference between being the spear and being skewered.

11. “You should try not to talk so much, friend. You’ll sound far less stupid that way.”
― Brandon Sanderson, Final Empire (Mistborn series)

In a world where the mist falls as surely as the Lord Ruler’s iron fist, sometimes the best sound is silence—especially if you’re plotting a revolution. Sanderson’s crew of misfits would agree, sometimes it’s best to let the metals do the talking.

12. “If you looked busy, you could get away with almost anything.”
― Brent Weeks, The Black Prism (Lightbringer series)

The magic of looking busy—Brent Weeks knows it’s the best illusion in a world where light can become a weapon. Whether you’re drafting luxin or just avoiding chores, it’s the perfect alibi.

13. “Sometimes my lies impressed the hell out of me.”
― Mark Lawrence, The Liar’s Key (The Red Queen’s War series)

This comical quote is taken from The Liar’s Key, the second part of Lawrence’s The Red Queen’s War series.

The story takes place in the same universe as the author’s preceding trilogy, The Broken Empire. It follows a philandering prince who actively seeks to avoid any responsibility for the world’s salvation.

With this dark story (but plenty of humor! ), Lawrence once again proves to be a fantastic writer who you should add to your reading list.

14. “A fool is any man who doesn’t think he’s a fool.”
― Anthony Ryan, Blood Song (Raven’s Shadow series)

Ryan’s Raven’s Shadow series throws us into a brutal world where the learning curve is a cliff. This line serves as a wry reminder that knowing you know nothing is the first step to knowing something—philosophy with a side of snark.

15. “Well, the world can go f**k itself.”
― Steven Erikson, Reaper’s Gale (Malazan Book of the Fallen series)

In Erikson’s Malazan series, where gods meddle like kids in a sandbox, this is practically a morning greeting. When you’re this epic, politeness is for lesser beings—or at least that’s what the Bonehunters might say.

16. “The world is big, the young are restless, and girls just want to have fun.”
― Nicholas Eames, Bloody Rose (The Band series)

It’s a rough-and-tumble life for Eames’ mercenary crew, but at the heart, it’s about the thrill of adventure and the spirit of defiance. Even in a world brimming with monsters and mayhem, there’s always room for a bit of fun.

Want more fantasy wisdom and wisecracks? Don’t stop here! We’ve got a whole stash of fantasy quotes. Check ’em out, share your faves, and don’t forget to The Rockle on social media—we love seeing which ones you pick!

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